When Your Vulcan Gets Cranky
by Emerald-Leaves
Summary: A young medical office is having trouble with his Vulcan officer. Luckily he finds something to help.: Just a piece of random fun with McCoy. Inspired by "Amok Time."


**When Your Vulcan Gets Cranky**

**2348**

A young medical office searched franticly through file after file. He searched record after record and could not come up with anything at all. Nothing that could tell him why the Vulcan officer was acting the way he was. It was scary and unnerving. The Vulcan lieutenant's vitals were also acting strangely, and the medical officer was certain that if he could not find out what was wrong, the poor man would die…

He poured through account after account but could not find anything remotely related to what was going on with the Vulcan. He searched for the symptoms many different ways, but _nothing _matched what he typed. It was as though the Vulcan had contracted some new disease, yet the Vulcan _did _seem to know what was going on…

Frustrated, the doctor, in his exasperation finally typed in: _Extreme irritation and critical life signs in a Vulcan. _Even as he searched this he knew that it was ridiculous and he was not really expecting any results at all. But to his surprise, one such category popped up. It read: _Hostile behavior and death like symptoms in Vulcans_. An odd title to say the least. The doctor had only been being sarcastic, but having already read everything else, and having nothing else to lose, he opened the document.

He read it. Then he re-read it. And then he read it out loud, confused beyond all reason, not understanding the while message, but got an idea of what to do.

The document read:

_When your Vulcan gets cranky you should all run in fear,_

_For he is not much fun when he is so near._

_He gets anxious and irritated whenever you speak,_

_And throws out your soup, even when it's plemeek._

_He begins to threaten by breaking your neck,_

_And his mental barriers are all in a wreck. _

_He then goes as far as making strange requests, _

_For some time off, some leave, Vulcan is best. _

_When request is denied that doesn't stop this guy;_

_He changes the course by telling strange lies._

_The captain is angry and orders him to sickbay;_

_Just for the doctors (it can only brighten their day!)._

_The readings are funny, even for this freak,_

_And doctors find that his life is only one more week._

_The answer is obvious, to Vulcan you must go!_

_When he asks you non-Vulcans to come, always say "no". _

_Strange things go on down there, it's best in their keep,_

_Stay on the ship where you know it's safe to sleep. _

_When your Vulcan gets back, much happier he'll be,_

_(Just do as he asks, that's always the key)._

_So when your Vulcan get cranky, be happy you know_

_That the best place to ship him, you can always go._

_So now I think it's time to thank this medicine man,_

_That he's told you what to do with all these damn Vul-cans. _

L.H.M Chief Medical Officer

**2268**

Doctor Leonard H. McCoy sat back in his chair and read through his report with a smug smirk. After beaming down to Vulcan, and after watching Spock mindlessly try to kill Captain Kirk, Bones was exhausted. Star Fleet demanded a report on First Officer Spock's condition while Vulcan demanded that the secret of _pon farr _stay a secret. He had been so confused as to what to do, be decided that the only thing to do was do what he was best at in those kinds of situations: be a smart ass.

He chuckled to himself as he sent both Star Fleet and Vulcan his report and leaned farther back in his chair with a smile on his face. His only regret was that he would not get to see the admiral who read the report or T'Pau's face when they read through the report.

Chuckling again, the Doctor took a sip of his mint julep and went about finishing his other medical reports.

*******

**Author's Note: **This is just a random story that I wrote to go along with a random poem I wrote several years ago after watching "Amok Time". This is just McCoy being a smart-ass with Star Fleet and Vulcan.

I always thought that Vulcans would want to keep _pon farr _hush hush since Spock said that "it is a thing no out worlder may know", so I figured that the medical officer in the beginning would have no idea what was going on with the Vulcan crew member, since I figured that Vulcan wouldn't want to tell either. And since McCoy couldn't figure it out in the beginning of the episode from records, neither could my "future" guy in the beginning of this.

As always, I'd love to hear what ya'll think. Please review, no flames, so on and so on. Thanks!


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